Hello My Fellow Caramel Covered Crimson Crisps,

The following is a true story:

On Monday, July 6, 2009 after having used my iPhone 3GS (complete with the VoiceOver screen reader for the visually impaired) since purchasing it on the day of its debut, Friday, June 19, 2009 at approximately 7:12am, I decided to return my one and only AT&T Wireless SIM card to its original host, my beloved Samsung Epix SGH-i907 Windows Mobile Professional 6.1 touch-screen Smartphone. 

Just so you know, all AT&T Wireless services including  phone calls, email, text messages, etc reside on the SIM card.  Therefore, only the device with the card may use these services.

After reactivating my Epix, while offering up the expected apoligies for ever having left it for even an instant, I decided to send a friend a text message.

As I launched the Windows Mobile Messaging application, I glanced down towards my iPhone as it lay on my desk, clearly shocked at my sudden disinterest.  I could almost hear it saying to me, in a severely wounded tone, “Mark?  What are you doing?  What about me?  Don’t you love me anymore?  I was so good to you, was I not?”

Feeling a twinge of guilt, I quickly looked away as I reached out and  pressed its shiny new Sleep Button as if to say, “That was another time; in another place; in another life.  We had our moments but now it’s time that I returned to my real life; return to the one I truly love.  Yes, you are a sweet (and may I say, totally accessible) young thing but even before your birth, my heart belonged to another and it is to that one that I must surely return.” 

Swiveling around in my chair so as not to endure the sight of that wonderful, refreshing, naïve, remarkably beautiful (size 32GB) midnight black thing (with the body of a goddess), I returned to my never-really-forgotten Epix with its safe, secure, tried and trusted, satisfyingly comfortable and familiar countenance.

In the “To” field of the SMS message, I selected the Contact to whom it was being sent.  I caught myself touching the touch-screen in order to do this yet nothing happened.  Smiling I realized that I must first tap the [Enter] key located at the center of the Navigation Control in order to bring up a list of Contacts.  Even after only two weeks or so, it seemed strange to have to think of such a thing as a Navigation Control”. 

As my list of over 200 active Contacts quickly scrolled off the display screen, I thought to myself, “Wow!  I wish I had a Favorites list on this phone as I do on the iPhone 3GS.”

Choosing not to use first letter navigation, I began scrolling through the seemingly unending list of Contacts, one at a time as the Epix does not have a readily available Scroll feature.

I selected my Contact and prepared to typing the text of the message.  As my fingers slid across the (once considered elegant) QWERTY keyboard, in comparison to the iPhone’s forever shimmering silky glass virtual landscape, it felt cramped, bumpy, slow, and unbelievably sluggish. 

As I entered the message, one laborious tiny keystroke at a time, I kept having to resist the urge to turn the Epix on its side as doing so, unlike on iPhone, would not increase its size.

During one such impulsive instance, I could almost hear my Epix say to me, “Are you crazy?  You know I can’t do that.  What’s happened to you?  Are flashy bells and whistles and a fake set of 32GBs all that matter to you anymore?  Don’t touch me!  In fact, don’t come back to me unless you really mean it.  I’m not just some toy you can play with in order to make your new thing jealous.” 

Sweating profusely, I decided not to send the text message.  Some how, and I swear to you I don’t know why, the magic was gone. 

I returned to my office about three hours after having aborted my failed attempt of using Epix to send a text message.  During my three hour hiatus, I had given much thought as to what must be done in order to restore perpetual mobile bliss to the tectonic tide pools of my wireless world.  It would not be easy; and it would most definitely not be fun.  Nevertheless, regardless of the immortal cost to my ethereal soul, it (for better or worse) must be.

As I sat in my office chair between them, Epix on the desk to my left, iPhone on the desk to my right, they both stared at me expectantly.

After a brief pause, followed by an uncomfortable silence, I said, addressing them both, “I know this is not fair to either of you but you are going to have to get used to being in the same house together.” 

Receiving no reply from either of them I continued, cautiously, “I refuse to choose between you.  So, what I’m going to do is let each of you do what you do best.  One of you will handle all of my day-to-day wireless needs complete with all the bells and whistles I can find.  The other will be delegated the more mission-crucial responsibility of getting me from place-to-place using Code Factory’s Mobile Geo, the most comprehensive wireless GPS software navigation solution for the blind and low vision. Well, what do you both think?”

“I see.  Mark, I guess this arrangement will do.  I never liked carrying that SIM card anyway—it always made me itch.  As you know, I don’t need any kind of wireless network provider in order to be able to navigate.  Add to this the fact that I have seniority coupled with my ability to handle more than one active Bluetooth device at a time including an external GPS receiver (unlike some recently hatched flash-in-the-pan hotshots with a lot of silicon-injected gigabytes), I’ll take responsibility for your navigational safety out there on the streets but only if I have a title befitting my unique qualities.” 

I quickly replied, “Yes, of course.  That was always my intention, to be sure.”

“Well, Sweetie, frankly, making music for you is really what I want to do; besides, reading maps gives me headaches.  And by the way, some in this office would be wise to learn that one can get farther by being a smooth and delicious pat of Apple butter than by being an old hard-to-swallow piece of Samsung croquette.”

“You’re absolutely right,” I said to the newest member of Team Taylor.  “I’m quite sure that some in this office will keep that in mind as we do our best to make you feel welcomed.” 

Although positive I was mistaken, as I stood and opened the door to leave my office, I could swear I heard the following dialog: 

“Yeah!  Right!  That’ll be the day.  He’s even dumber than he looks.”

“I know it’s not my place to say as I have only been here for a short time but, well, now that I think about it, he does look kind of simple, doesn’t he?”

(Sound of softly mingled giggles)

The End